Feb. 4: Two shoppers used the “help-yourself” aisle, and made off with about $400 worth of items from Food 4 Less. The pair was not identified, and it’s unlikely they left pushing a cart.
Feb. 7: Police arrested a father in the Village for striking and choking his son over a dispute involving the family pet.
Feb. 10: Adding insult to injury, this drunk got into an altercation with the victim then stole the victim’s vehicle. The DUI dummy was later located and got booked for vehicle theft and driving while intoxicated.
• Feb. 4: Police hunted up a regular customer in the 2600 block of Main and arrested the old crook, 60, for two misdemeanor warrants.
• Feb. 3: Police responded to a vandalism case in the 400 block of Hill and will hunt the scoundrel.
• Feb. 3: Police caught up to another local knave at 3:53 p.m. at Kennedy Way and Quintana and of course the fellow was allegedly in possession of illegal drugs, after of course a legal search. In an unrelated case, someone reportedly found a baggie of cocaine lying on the sidewalk no doubt falling from the sky like manna from Heaven, at Harbor and Morro. Police don’t know who it belonged to, and if any genius wants to come forward and claim it, bring your lawyer.
• Feb. 2: Police responded at 1:33 p.m. to the Community Center in the 1000 block of Kennedy Way where some apparently ditzy citizen raised a ruckus at the City Council’s goal setting retreat, with Goal No. 1 no doubt no more crazy people allowed! Earlier, at 5 a.m. in the 400 block of Crest they contacted another one over the rainbow, who was arrested for suspicion of being high as the stacks. A mental health evaluation was requested at the jail.
• Feb. 2: Police responded at 8:42 a.m. to the 3300 block of Panorama Dr., for a reported case of accidental discharge of a firearm inside a residence, and thank God they’re apparently a lousy shot. No arrests were made.
• Feb. 2: Police towed off a parked car in the 1000 block of Quintana because the registration had expired — in 2013, and the DMV’s gonna take a big bite outta his hiney.
• Feb. 1: Police logs indicate a reported case of alleged forcible rape in the 1000 block of Front St., was unfounded.
• Feb. 1: Police cited one student at the high school for suspicion of possessing the evil weed on campus, and a second student was cited for suspicion of selling it to them. No names were revealed, so just ask any of the kids, they’ll know.
• Feb. 1: A citizen in the 500 block of Acacia reported credit card fraud, as some scammer opened two accounts in his name and charged up $793.87.
• Jan. 31: Police responded to a disturbance at the Vet’s Hall at 11:34 p.m. A 51-year-old bent woman was cuffed for suspicion of being a bit gattered. Earlier, at 7:39, in the 800 block of Main, another disturbance was causing mayhem. The 23-year-old swilled fellow was arrested for being drunk in public where the tourists can see him.
• Jan. 31: Someone in the 1900 block of Sunset reported a gunshot at 9 p.m. Again logs indicated it was accidental and someone apparently dodged a bullet.
• Jan. 30: Police took a report of a student carrying a knife at the high school, which isn’t a very sharp thing to do. In an unrelated case, on Jan. 29 at 3:49 p.m. a student was robbed of his skateboard at knife point.
• Jan. 29: Police took a report of alleged child molestation, which they deemed was unfounded. They took another report from a woman on Mindoro who believes her son was molested 1 to 2-years ago by someone they know. And they also got a report from someone who is required to report such matters, of another possible child abuse case, which they apparently took to CPS.
• Jan. 27: Police logged in the arrest of a 50-year-old man for suspicion of hit-n-split while driving on a toot. At 11 p.m. at an undisclosed location in town.
• Jan. 27: Police responded no doubt sirens blaring, at 1:30 p.m. to a saloon in the 900 block of Main for a disturbance. One skunk was tossed to the nick for getting stinky.
• Jan. 27: Police came across two apparent partiers in the 3400 block of Toro Ln. A 35-year-old man was arrested for alleged possession of a crack pipe, and a 44-year-old woman was apparently left literally holding the bag, as she got popped for alleged possession and another pipe, plus of course, a probation violation.
• Jan. 26: Police were called at 7:37 p.m. to a disturbance in the 900 block of Main. Logs indicated a 53-year-old man “was arrested for drunk in public following a physical altercation at The Siren Bar,” further evidence the curse of Happy Jack’s is real!
• Jan. 26: Police responded to the 200 block of Dunes for a reported case of an embezzled vehicle, also called an “Okie-doke.”
• Jan. 25: At 6:45 p.m. police noted the discovery of a 2-year-old juvenile at Morro Bay Boulevard and Shasta that was returned to his or her no doubt distracted parents.
• Jan. 24: Police responded at 10:48 a.m. to the Community Center for a disturbance. Logs indicated they arrested a 57-year-old woman for suspicion of resisting/obstructing an executive officer, battery on a peace officer and being on a bender, which explains a lot. She was hooked up and locked up in the Parkinson Plaza.
• Jan. 23: An apparently old fashioned fellow in the 1500 block of Quintana said someone was trying to use his personal information to “open a mail order catalog” credit card.
• Jan. 23: At 12:44 p.m. in the 400 block of Quintana a store clerk told police he or she watched on security camera a guy stuff a bottle of hooch under his shirt and slyly walk out without paying. In an unrelated call, at 1 p.m. a drunk and disorderly man was raising Caine at Beach and Main. The 46-year-old was hoosegow bound.
• Jan. 23: Police rounded up a suspicious subject at 6:50 a.m. in the 700 block of Harbor. According to logs, the 20-year-old disagreeable fellow was arrested for suspicion of being high on drugs, resisting arrest, and a bench warrant, no doubt soon to be two warrants.
• Jan. 22: Police contacted two women at 12:43 p.m. in Lila Keiser Park and cited one, 49, for illegal lodging, and the other one, 47, for illegal lodging and possession of paraphernalia, their stash no doubt already up in smoke.
Feb. 3: A man making a ruckus at a local hotel finally hit the street after the police were called. Police couldn’t find him, as he was reportedly wearing camouflage.
Feb. 4 A Downtown hotel reported 4-6 males soaking up the rays in their pool without booking a room, then absconding with towels from the pool area. The towel banditos got away in a white Audi.
Feb. 6: Ever snuck a towel from a motel on a dare? Well, a guest at a Downtown motel took the room’s television. Police were called but no word on whether this roach got a room transfer to the county lockup.
Feb. 6: An afternoon kayaker took an unplanned swim 50-yards from shore that triggered a rescue response from the police and fire departments. The kayaker was hanging on the to kayak for about 10-15 minutes before making it to shore.
Feb. 6: The “Do Not Disturb” sign was on too long at a Pismo hotel where four guests refused to leave Rm. 122. Police were dispatched to do some “house keeping” and empty the room. There was no word on why the quartet sought such a late check out but they were warned of future trespassing.
Feb. 6: Police were asked to keep two teenage lovebirds apart by providing extra patrol to a Pismo home. The parents said the boy suitor was not welcome at the house and told to stay away, but their mulish daughter keeps inviting him over. Police found the lovesick youth and told him the next love note he may see is a trespassing citation.
Feb. 7: In pursuit of a suspected DUI driver that was, “all over the roadway,” police instead nabbed an early morning driver in need of a nap. The impaired driver was undoubtedly told to “sleep it off.”
Feb 7: A couple of Raiders fans did the team’s reputation no favors soaking up the sun and throwing Bud Light near the Pismo Pier. The man and woman in their 30s, both dressed in black hoodies were throwing their bottles on the beach. P.D. arrived and flagged them for an illegal pass.
Feb. 7: A Pismo Beach woman had a cheeky emergency, as dispatch got a call from the woman but was then disconnected. When the operator called back, the woman said she accidentally “butt dialed” 9-1-1.
San Luis Obispo
• Feb. 9: Police were called to an assault at 6:56 a.m. at Chorro and Meinecke. No word on the extent of the carnage.
• Feb. 9: Three burglar alarms fired off at 6 a.m. in the first block of Higuera at Range Masters gun shop. The malarms were human error. Then at 6:40 a.m. a burglar alarm sounded at Continental Motor Works in the 1100 block of Laurel. It malfunctioned, and no doubt needs a good mechanic.
• Feb. 9: Some slacker was spotted sleeping in a Toyota in the 1600 block of Palm across from the Vet’s Hall. He was cited for violation of the sleeping where we can’t collect a tax law.
• Feb. 9: Police were called at 5:14 a.m. from the area of Taft and California. Logs indicated the City’s street sweeper broke down and the driver needed a ride back to the City yard.
• Feb. 9: Police were called at 3 a.m. to the 800 block of Foothill where a man at the Pita Pit said he saw a woman running away from a man and they both looked drunk.
• Feb. 9: Police were called at 2 a.m. to 7-Eleven on Marsh where some knave was causing a ruckus in the store. He was wisely gone when officers arrived to run him off. In an unrelated case at 1:50 a.m. another bust-a-fooligan was acting drunk and disorderly in the 1900 block of Santa Barbara. He was nicked to go sleep it off.
• Feb. 9: A citizen in the 1200 block of Chorro reported suspicious subjects, 3-4 men had been arguing for a whole minute. At 12:40 a.m. in the 11500 block of Laguna at Laguna Grill several people were reportedly hanging out in the parking lot, this week’s example of why we need SWAT.
• Feb. 9: Police hopped over to Frog & Peach at 12:37 a.m. as some boorish tadpole was upsetting the lily pad. Logs indicated the croaker was jailed, on his 40th birthday, too.
• Feb. 8: Police were called at 10:06 p.m. to Motel 6 on Calle Joaquin where some dingus has been bothering the guests in Room 219. A visit from Johnny Law apparently shut him right up.
• Feb. 8: A citizen in the 300 block of Grand called at 10 p.m. to complain about a loud party with fireworks being shot off. A citation was issued and the party officially pooped. At the same time someone else complained about loud music and yelling in the 100 block of McCullum.
• Feb. 8: Police were called at 8:40 p.m. to the 600 block of Higuera because a customer was laying on the floor at Marston’s and refusing to get up and get the hell out. No arrest was made, but was perhaps deserved.
• Feb. 8: Police were called at 8:33 p.m. by a group of people night hiking on Cerro San Luis who apparently got lost in a cow pasture, and they say sheep are stupid.
• Feb. 8: A Los Osos resident called at 8:17 p.m. and reported that earlier, he or she was in Mission Plaza and some apparent maniac threatened them.
• Feb. 8: Police were called at 9:30 p.m. from the 2100 block of Sierra with a report of hit-n-split at the SLO County Ag Commissioner’s Office. Logs indicated the allegation was unfounded, so how’d the taxpayers’ car get wrecked?
• Feb. 8: Police were called at 7:16 p.m. to French Hospital because a discharged patient was sitting in the lobby refusing to leave, no doubt hampered because he or she was apparently wasted on drugs. The forshnicked fellow was checked into the County B&B.
• Feb. 8: Someone called 9-1-1 to report two cars parked on Chorro “that aren’t supposed to be there,” according to logs. Citations were written.
• Feb. 8: Police were called at 5:47 p.m. to the Damon Garcia Sports Fields on Industrial Way with a report of some homeless chap setting up camp for the night, and he’s — GASP! — smoking, a hanging offense in San Looney.
• Feb. 8: Some groovy dude left his ride parked at Hepkats on Higuera, and some buzz kill policeman towed it away. They also towed off a Mustang left on Oceanaire and another unidentified car was towed from the Valencia Apartments on Ramona.
• Feb. 8: Police were called at 4:51 p.m. to the 600 block of Palm where some belligerent woman dropped her drawers and took a squat on the sidewalk right in front of Mission Prep. Ms. Congeniality was gone when they arrived. In another shining example, at 3:55 p.m. someone reported a transient man passed out in the Mitchell Park Gazebo with his pants down around his ankles.
• Feb. 8: At 4 p.m., some brazen scoundrel stole a bicycle from outside an apartment in the 1400 block of Royal.
• Feb. 8: Police responded at 1 p.m. to the 700 block of Boysen where someone had broken into a laundry room. In an unrelated case, in the 100 block of Ferrini at the Lanai Apts., someone took coins out of the locked laundry, ‘cause that’s where the money is, don’t-cha know…
• Feb. 8: Police responded to Rite Aid on Foothill to help them investigate a suspected case of employee embezzlement.
• Feb. 8: Police responded at 11:30 a.m. to the 100 block of Higuera where the sun had set on a passed out customer at Sunshine Donuts. He’d awoken and slunk off before they arrived.
• Feb. 8: A citizen in the 3500 block of Higuera complained about a transient camp in the creek, and logs said he would like it “swept out!” An earlier call sheds some light, as possibly the same fed-up citizen said some tramp allegedly tried to pry open the restroom doors and managed to vandalize them. In an unrelated case, someone reported a transient man living in his vehicle parked outside Vons on Broad, as someone needs a better hiding place.
• Feb. 8: Police responded at 5 a.m. to the 2200 block of King for a fellow laying by the dumpster who’s no doubt down in the dumps.